


Losing Your Memory

by Chaos_Angel666



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alzheimer's Disease, Character Death, Comfort, Hurt, Losing Your Memory, M/M, Ryan Star, Sad, Song - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-25
Updated: 2015-01-25
Packaged: 2018-03-09 02:28:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3232862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chaos_Angel666/pseuds/Chaos_Angel666
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean is diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease. Not long and everything he saw and experienced, good and bad, will be gone forever. Castiel offers to heal him but Dean refuses and even allows himself to forget about the only person he ever loved. No matter how much pain it causes the Angel, Castiel will stay at Dean's side like he always did, even if it means he has to watch how the person he loves the most is slowly fading away... Destiel.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Losing Your Memory

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Codra Foymal](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Codra+Foymal).



> The Beginning of the Fanfiction has 3rd POV. As soon as it comes to the 7 Years/stages of the disease, it changes to Castiel's POV.
> 
> Song: Losing Your Memory by Ryan Star. – Listen to it while reading that, gives a better atmosphere ;)
> 
> Idea from Codra Foymal's Video: Losing your memory | [ Destiel AU ] 
> 
> After I saw this video on YouTube I just couldn't help but write a Fanfiction to it. It's actually my first one shot and it's the first story I wrote through. I made a break here and now to get something to eat or drink but other than that I was so focused on this story that I couldn't get myself to stop writing xD  
> I hope you like this one as much as I do, a review really would make my day.

'' I'm sorry Mister Winchester, but there's nothing we can do. There's no cure yet for this illness. '' With one eye slightly narrowed in confusion Castiel looks at the Doctor in front of him, not moving or breathing much for mere minutes. At some point he slowly turns his head to Dean who is in the chair next to him. But his human only has his eyes on the older man in front of them. There are a lot of terrible diseases he has heard from, many of them caused death in only a few days, some of them plagued their victims over years. But this? He never before heard of any illness with such a name. So if he hasn't heard of it, it can't be so worse right? But, why is the doctor then looking at Dean like that? Why isn't Dean grinning that grin Castiel is so used to by now, making a comment about how meaningless this all is to him because he has seen worse? Why isn't his partner moving in his chair?

'' And, what exactly, is this illness about? '' The angel asks, allowing confuse and uncertainty to slip into his voice. The Doctor behind the desk gives him a confused glance. To hear questions about more unusual illnesses isn't new to him but it's not that this one is very rarely and there are all over the world always a lot of campaigns about it. If this man isn't aware of the illness' symptoms and its effect then this will be even harder for him to grasp. With a look in Castiel's eyes he can see that this man cares deeply for his patient, and hearing of this will break down a world for the man in a trench coat. He had a lot of patients over the years and it's never easy to tell someone about their illness. If it's Alzheimer's, Aids, a cancer or ALS. There are always tears, always pain and fear, sometimes a mental breakdown. But there they always know about this illness, most of them see the chance in it to get better and if not they at least know what is affecting them in the future. This young man in front of him, has no certainty in him that there is any chance for his partner to get better. He isn't even aware of the illness. With a sigh he folds his hands on the desk in a professional manner and looks into the angel's eyes,

'' Alzheimer's disease is a degenerative brain disorder that gradually destroys memory and cognitive function. '' At first barely visible, Castiel's expression changes into confuse, then into anger and lastly, into pain. Does that mean that Dean will not be able to remember him? Their journey? The day they met, the day Dean convinced the angel that being free is worth being hunted, that the angel isn't alone, has a family. The day they became friends, the day they became a family... the first night they shared. That night, Castiel never felt happier, never felt more loved, never felt more complete. That night, Dean became the air Castiel would kill for to breathe. They kept it secret at first, from Bobby and Sam. It was after Bobbies death, that Crowley found out and started teasing them with it. Yet, the King of Hell never lost a word of it in front of Sam. There is a lot you can say of this demon, but being impolite is none of them. But at some point they didn't realize that Sam was listening to their conversation, the conversation where Crowley told them to finally man-up and tell the 'moose' instead of behaving like two sissies. Despite what Dean feared, Sam took it better than expected, which caused a large stone to fall off Dean's heart. He was always a good brother, never exchanged too much intimacies with Castiel in front of Sam but they didn't need to hide anymore and both, the angel and the hunter, where grateful for that. And now all of that has happened will be nothing but a faded memory soon?

'' How long will it take? '' Castiel presses on, his voice lowering in the attempt to not let any of the pain cross it, his eyes narrowed while his mind still tried to comprehend the just received information. The older man lowers his head for a moment, a small sigh playing along his lips. This is going to be difficult, he can say this already. The partner of his patient is more tensed about this than Mr. Winchester himself. In fact, the young man in front of him seems to be even very relaxed, a small ironic smile tugging at his lips. Something tells the Doc that this man has seen already worse than Alzheimer's. His patient's body posture is almost laughable relaxed, his back leans against the chair, his hands folded in his lap, his head slightly leaned on his chest while he's breathing calmly. Not one muscle in his face flinches as he meets his eyes. Turning back to Mr. Winchester's partner though, takes a lot more of him. There is so much worry in those blue eyes, a look that should be worth a trophy for the most heart-breaking puppy look he ever saw in his career. For a moment he wishes he could tell the pained man that there is the high chance that this is getting better on such a high level that they will barely every see any signs of it. But he's not there to lie at this man, he's there to tell the truth, talk about possible options.

'' That is not for sure, with some it takes longer, some already... pass away... at the 4th year because the illness is just growing stronger too fast. Usually, it takes 7 to 8 years before there is any serious damage on the brain. The patient that lasted longest lived still for 20 more years before his brain function stopped. '' The doctor takes a small break, allowing the new information to sink into the brain of the young men in front of him. Mr. Winchester's expression stays passive, like he's not caring for it. While Mister Novak seems to be shortly about to break in half. With an unwell feeling in his stomach he leans forwards again,

'' Alzheimer's has 7 stages in which the patient slowly...'' With uncertainty he breaks off, maybe it would be better to tell this as soft as possible due Mr. Novak's mental health. At the stop of the Doctor's voice, Castiel becomes visibly more tensed. A sting of fear crosses him. Will he be able to heal this? After all, he's an angel, he can heal everything. But his power is rinsing through being with a human is counted as a sin. His bosses don't like their relationship but considering everything Castiel has done they allowed him to stay an angel, to keep his grace. Will his remaining power be enough to save his human's life? The angel winces as Dean gives a small, hollow laugh out of the sudden what causes Castiel, for the first time, to really look at his partner. He takes in the relax in his body, the ironic smile that's tugging on his lips. And yet, behind this masquerade, he sees the tense in Dean's shoulders, the pain in his green eyes. For a moment, everything in Castiel screams at him to pull the human into his arms and not let go again. If it's to calm Dean or calm himself he can't tell for sure. Maybe both. At the careless wave of Dean's hand Castiel's eyes narrow,

'' It's okay Doc, you can say that I'll be mutating to a brainless, drooling Zombie that's not feeling the flies landing in his mouth. '' Castile's eyes widen and the protective vein he has for Dean kicks in. With a loud dull noise the chair in which he sat falls to the ground as he gets up in a hurry. This is not going to happen, Dean will not be like this and if it's the last thing he can do. The doctor is there to help, why isn't he making any suggestion of how to help?! Before he can open his mouth though, Dean stops him,

'' Cas, we clear things out at home. '' There's a seriousness in Dean's voice that makes Castiel close his mouth on instant, his head lowering. With grit teeth and tears prickling in his eyes he turns his head from Dean, a childish gesture but he can't stand looking at Dean just now. Can't stand thinking about Dean. About the man he fell in love with becoming what Dean just expressed. The only times he hears Dean talking like this is when it's getting really serious on his and Sam's hunts where Castiel accompanies them. Dean's eyes show something different to his tone though but Castiel obeys as his Partner silently gestures for him to sit down again.

'' There is the chance of prolong the stages with the right therapy- '' The Doctor starts again as Castiel is once more seated but this time Dean interrupts him with his usual careless expression,

'' And without it I got around 5-7 years left, right? '' Castiel's body stiffens at the careless sound in his voice, this faked emotionless self he always pretends to be. Sometimes all Castiel desires to do when he hears this voice is allowing the rage that's bubbling up in his body to consume him and tear everything apart that comes close to him. Dean can't always pretend like nothing's bothering him. He can't. Even if it hurts but he can't just push everything back! Especially not now, not with such a situation. The Doctor looks surprised at the cool young man in front of him and nods, licking his dry lips,

'' Yes but with it you could get up to 10 or 15 more years. ''

'' Thanks for the info Doc, see you in a few years then. '' As soon as Dean's standing, Castiel's at his side, grabbing Dean's shoulder hard enough to stop him from simply leaving. 3 Years. It's 3 years ago that they built up something normal to a relationship. 2 years ago that they moved together into the bunker, 1 year that Dean reduced the hunting on only where it's needed and now it's going to end just like that? With him forgetting everything they went through? If there's the chance of the doctors slowing the process, why isn't he taking it?

'' Wait, aren't you going to try the therapy? Mister Winchester it is important to at least try. '' The Doctor speaks up before Castiel has the chance to argue. Dean shakes his head with his usual trademark smirk and turns back to face the Doctor who by now is standing too, his hands firmly placed on the desk and a serious expression on his face,

'' I'm fine with it. '' Without another word he frees himself from Castiel's grip and leaves the office, not looking back once, not even to make sure Castiel is following. The angel feels his hands trembling in a mix of fear and anger. Why is Dean doing this? It isn't only about him, it's about Castiel too. About Sam. About their lives. What if this Alzheimer's is really damaging his brain enough to kill him? What if Dean is losing every memory he has in his mind? Granted, there are memories the human could gladly forget but what about those good memories. About the memories of their time. Of Sam. Of Bobby. Hell, even Crowley.

'' How can I help him? '' He asks, more himself than the doctor but the older man hears it anyway.

'' Do you love him? '' He turns on the sound of the human voice behind him and looks into the Doctor's eyes. For a moment the room remains silent before Castiel slowly nods his head, his voice sounding raspy as tears prickle in his eyes,

'' Yes. ''

'' Then stay with him. It will hurt you, more than anything on the world ever could. He will forget about everyone and everything, he will forget about you. You have to realize that at some point he will look at you and ask who you are because he can't recognize you anymore. But if you really love him, stay. People that suffer on Alzheimer's often end up alone because their closest friends and loved ones can't stand the sight. And with that the process will only go faster. And, even if they can't remember you, they will feel hurt and sad and lonely like everyone else. '' Castiel's eyes narrow. Dean will not end up alone. He will not let it happen. He will not allow Dean to drown in this alone. He will try to heal him, he will heal him. And then they will go on living like they did before. They will go through life together. Castiel will never leave him.

'' I will stay with him for eternity. ''

Dean leans with his back against the door of his baby, looking down at the ground, his arms crossed over his chest. Castiel didn't follow him out, he will probably ask for what he can do to help Dean. But Dean doesn't want to be helped. The angel will try to heal him, he has to make sure this is not happening. This illness, as terrible as it is, is the best thing that could happen to him. It will save him. With a sigh he closes his eyes, at least Sam isn't here. His emotional, little brother would probably drag him back to the doctor and try to force him to do one of those therapies, to take those pills. Now he maybe has the chance to keep this a secret for a few more years until Sam will get it on his own and Dean is too senile to really pay attention to Sam's pain and betrayal. The only problem left for this plan to be completed is the puppy-like angel, his boyfriend, who now walks up to him with a look in his eyes that almost makes Dean run back to the Doctor and take those therapies.

'' Dean- ''

'' Let's talk about this at home, 'kay babe? '' He offers a warm smile and leans forwards to press a kiss to the Angel's lips but the kiss isn't responded to. His angel's lips stay pressed into a thin line. The pout-frown stays on his face. With a huff Castiel turns and gets onto the passenger's seat. A move that abruptly tells the hunter that he managed to upset his Angel. With another heavy sigh, Dean gets in next to the childish man and drives them both home. Normally Cas' always looking out of the window like he never saw the passing trees, no matter how many years they know each other, it's always like this. This time he's more focused on giving his partner silent blaming glares here and then before gluing his eyes onto the dashboard of the car again. Dean tries to lighten the mood a little by playing Cas' favorite song of Led Zeppelin but it's not working, neither can AC/DC or Guns 'n Roses lighten his mood.

'' That'll be a looong drive...'' He murmurs while sinking a little more into his seat. Around a hour later they pull up at their home and Dean stops the car, silently thanking God that he can't see Sam's car yet which means his emotional little brother won't be supporting his over-protecting hyper-emotional Partner in forcing him to do anything against this. At least some good news. Before Dean can turn to look at Castiel, the angel already gets out of the car and throws the door close behind him hard enough to cause Dean to wince. For the sake of his baby as much as from the small startle this caused. After all, the angel isn't the one to get aggressive or rude, normally his partner despises this kind of behavior. With a sigh he follows Castiel inside who stormed into their home. He finds his partner in the living room, his back turned to him and his arms hanging at each his side, not moving. Dean's brows furrow as he mentally fights with himself to either say something or just wait until the man in front of him calmed a little. He saw Cas' reaction to the news. And he hated himself for not doing anything.

'' I'll heal you. '' Castiel suddenly states firmly, his voice showing Dean that he will not take 'no' for an answer. He will not have his Partner become a drooling corpse, this is not how it was meant to be. This is not what Dean deserves. He did so much good, protected so many humans and always took care of Sam even if every person in his life died, even if everyone always let him down, betrayed him, hurt him. It's not fair that this happens to him now and Castiel will not allow it. Why is it always them that has to lose everything? Why not somebody else? Why always those two brothers... He will not, cannot, allow this to happen. If he sees Dean become this... Zombie... Castiel's whole world would shatter into pieces. If he has to watch his human die, everything would become meaningless. He wouldn't have had any reason to live anymore. His hands curl to strong fists so that his knuckles turn white as he hears the small chuckle behind him. With anger slowly filling every part of his mind he turns to look at Dean who shakes his head, the MRI scans still in his hand,

'' No...'' He says softly as his eyes wander down at the scans. Castiel's brows furrow in a mix of anger and confuse,

'' But Dean I can heal you! I'm sure I can! Nothing will happen to you if you let me heal you! Please Dean- ''

'' I said no. Cas this...'' He breaks off with a hollow laugh but Castiel sees the tears of fear shimmering in Dean's wonderful eyes. Slowly he steps closer to his human, his arms wrapping firmly around his body. Maybe, if he holds him close enough, the disease will just go away and leave Dean alone. Maybe if he just heals him when he's hugging him, maybe Dean can forgive him. Maybe the disease will just go away again if he has enough faith in it. Dean rests his head on his Partner's shoulder and closes his eyes but his arms remain at his sides. He's tired, in more ways than one. Tired of remembering everything that happened, tired of having to live with what he saw. Tired of life. Of course, Cas is a great help to him because the Angel saw even more than him but for him as a simple human it's too much. And as much as he fears the thought of not remembering his mother, his dad, Bobby and Sam anymore. As much as he fears the thought of not remembering Cas any longer, what they went through and what they experienced together...

'' This is good...'' He lastly whispers, his eyes filling with tears.

'' How can it be good to be like this! '' Castiel's voice changes from anger to frustration, how can Dean allow for this to happen? How can he forbid him to help? Tears once more well up in his eyes as his grip on the man he loves more dearly than anything else tightens. If he forgets everything, will he forget him too? Alone the thought hurts Castiel more than anything else ever could. If Dean forgets him he couldn't live with himself any longer. He couldn't live with the thought of his human forgetting him. What if he hates the Angel when he forgets about him? His grip tightens a little more and his head buries in Dean's neck to take in the calming scent. Another small, ironic chuckle rumbles through his chest,

'' I'm gonna die a normal geezer's death. I can die without any of the bullshit I saw in my head... I'm sorry I'm doing this to you... but please Cas, don't heal me...'' Castiel tries his hardest not to cry...

\- First Year -

It's half a year ago Dean was told that he's suffering from Alzheimer's disease. So far he's doing fine, a few things get lost in his mind, but that's barely visible. Not for me, not for him. It's not looking like he's sick. I read in a library and on Sam's laptop that the first and seconds stage won't be a bother to Dean. The third stage will be annoying him but it's not bad enough to actually make him feel bad. The second stage is already setting in, but you only see that if you look close enough. I could convince Dean to tell Sam. Even if it hurt him, Sam needed to know. After all, he is his brother and their relationship is closer than it is with normal siblings. They need each other, they are a family. Dean told Sam 3 weeks after he found out and Sam left. He was hurt, he felt betrayed that Dean didn't tell him sooner. I could feel Dean's pain and his regret as he watched Sam grabbing his coat and leaving. He was gone for a week, said he needed to get a clear head, to settle things with himself. He called me the night after he left and asked if Dean left out something, if he was really told only a few weeks ago and how bad it is. I told him that Dean was telling the truth and I also said that he's not accepting help. Not mine, not the one from the doctors. First Sam reacted angry but in the end I think I was a little released that he still is 'only' at the beginning. I know that Dean will need Sam, he will need his brother's help as much as he will need mine later. They always needed each other even if they are fighting a lot. Dean isn't doing much different as he did before, the first stage over he didn't do anything different at all. He's still hunting, still running around and he's still drinking too much for his own good but I read this will not fasten the process so who am I to stop him from enjoying his life? I ask him every day again if I can heal him and I know it's by now angering him but he's not letting it out on me. Sometimes he even says no before I can ask. I usually lie down next to him then and place my head on his chest to listen to his beating heart. For now it's still beating the same tact it always does. At some point I told myself to enjoy his life with him instead of reminding him every day of it. I told myself to not be this egoistic and to accept Dean's decision. And right now I can accept it... He's still Dean after all...

\- Second Year -

He's slowly losing his grip now. At the beginning he told me he's fine but I knew he was lying. He can't lie to me, I always find out the truth. He can't assemble a gun properly anymore and that's making him sad. I see how he's struggling with tears when he thinks I'm not looking at him. I see how much it's taking him down that it's starting to show now. He's still hunting even if Sam and I don't like it but we can't stop him. We don't really want to stop him either. Well, at least Sam doesn't want to stop him. He told me that this could be the only thing that's giving him the feeling or normal back and I don't want to take that from him. He deserves to be happy and to feel normal as long as he can and I will do everything I can to leave him that feeling. Mostly Sam's silently helping him when he's forgetting how to reload different guns or when he's not remembering where he put what. In the middle of the second stage they had to defeat a Vampire and Dean forgot what to do, I saw how much it destroyed him inside but I tried to make him feel better. Sam's around Dean a lot, he wants to keep his brother in track but he knows he can't. This is not something that goes away with some medications and a good load of sleep. And if he's not soon allowing me to help him then it will be the cause of his death, sooner or later.

'' How about you, are you alright? '' Dean just looks at him several seconds before suddenly his eyes become unfocused and he looks around, totally forgetting that Sam's there. Eventually he answers but sometimes Sam has to ask twice. And Dean barks then at him for treating him like his brain already would be damaged. I mostly watch them when they're talking to make sure Dean's alright. I do everything I can to make Dean feel like nothing's wrong with him but still I find him almost every night next to the bed in the attempt to assemble a gun. Every time he tries it and every time he's failing and it's breaking my heart. Most of the time I watch him trying silently for a few minutes but when I see he's growing frustrated I stop him. I tell him he can try again at morning, I tell him he needs to sleep and he allows me then lastly to get him back to bed. I usually wrap my arms around him then and watch him sleeping. And every night this is happening again, every night he says he'll try again next morning... But every morning he's already forgotten about that. And I don't remind him. He's not losing any memory yet and he still remembers the most important, I think that's giving him some strength. I'm the only one that's really noticing the change in him, maybe because of our bond, maybe because I can read his mind. He's losing his grip but he's still Dean, he's still the man I love and this will not change. Not because of some disease...

\- Third Year -

The 3rd stage passes like the 2nd one only that it's getting worse slowly. He's forgetting what he wanted to do, he can't remember the names of some people and he's forgetting about the different creatures they were hunting. It's gotten so worse by now that I had to force him to stop hunting. Of course he wasn't happy with that and tried to go hunting many times. I always get him back to the bunker and he usually screams at me. Tells me I'm not his babysitter and that it's not my business what he does. Sometimes he says very hurtful things but I don't blame him for that. I silently endure everything he throws at me. Even if it's a fist all of the sudden when I at some point tell him it's enough. It's not like he's hurting me with that, he more hurts himself. After those fights he locks himself away into his room until he either calms or eventually forgets what was the matter in the first place. He tried to cook himself something to eat, nothing special just some eggs but as soon as he left the room to get something and saw me on the couch he sat down next to me and forgot about the frying eggs until the kitchen was in flames. It didn't cause much damage but it destroyed Dean a little more inside. By now he's not trying to assemble guns anymore at night, instead I find him crying sometimes. Silently shaking in the attempt to keep me from noticing. But I don't sleep, I notice. I always see it, I always hear it. I try to comfort him but he's not letting me. I know he needs me but he's not allowing himself to need me. He's just crying until he falls asleep and I can wipe away the tears and heal his red eyes so that he's not seeing it at the morning. I don't want him to feel even worse, I know Dean hates it when he's crying. By now our friends see the difference in Dean's behavior too and start to ask questions. Dean mostly pushes it off with a smile but I know they're not buying his act. So they come to me or Sam and ask but we don't say anything, we just say he got a hit on the head while hunting and is confused here and now. We say it's going to be alright soon. Every time we have to tell this story Sam holds back the tears while I soon go back to Dean to hold him. To just be next to him and hear his beating, feel the heat of his body. Just the smallest signs of him being still the Dean I fell in love with make me feel a little better. Not much but it's all I get and if I help Dean by not mentioning his disease then I'm fine with that. I will do everything as long as it helps him. But at some point I couldn't hold myself to that anymore, at some point I tried to heal him without his acceptance and he got mad and left. It took me and Sam hours to find him and where I found him broke my heart. He just fell over not even that far away from the house and lay in the dirt of a field. He couldn't move, he was too exhausted, I had to carry him back. And I did, without another word and without blaming him. I got him to bed and stayed at his side while he was resting. As he woke up he stayed on his back, not even looking at me,

'' Cas I want you to promise that you won't heal me. Doesn't matter what happens from now on, don't you dare healing me. You got that? '' I agreed, if not willingly, but I agreed. I agreed and from that moment on everything I could do is watch. Watch how the once so fully alive and powerful man breaks into little pieces. I saw death all over the world, I saw ages of dying people but never before I was so affected of someone's fate as I am with Dean's. And I hate myself for promising him that I won't heal him. I want him to be the man he was again, I hate seeing him like this. He doesn't deserve this fate. He deserves to grow old and die peacefully in his sleep, not from this. I asked god for help, I begged him to help Dean, to slow the process, to make him who he was again. I told him I would change position at any point if he only helps him. But he refused. He told me he can't slow it and he can't stop it because Dean doesn't want for it to stop. And I got so mad that I just started to scream loudly up into the raining night,

'' I gave you everything I could and more! I never refused your order and always did what you wanted without ever asking anything of you! Is this how you thank me for my loyalty?! Is that how you proceed now just because I fell in love?! I'm just asking for you to heal Dean! Please make him become the man he was again! He did so much for you and for those humans! It's not fair that you do this now! Please help him, I beg you! Please save him! I love him more than anything of the world so if you want to, take my life but heal him! Take any life you want, allow the world to burn but save Dean! '' He still refused. It was the first time I screamed and insulted him, it was the first time I had an absolute break down in my life. I didn't even know I could have mental break downs, but I had it and it was terrible. Yet... if I can't change Dean's fate I at least make sure he'll die around the people he loves even if he can't remember them anymore... I'll not leave his side... Not once, no matter what...

\- Fourth Year -

He's starting to lose his memory. He forgets about Alan and Bobby and Ash and all those people he loved at times. He's not liking most people anymore, he's withdrawing himself from the outside and nothing I do stops that. He's not managing tasks anymore that he normally did with ease. He can't pick locks anymore, he's not able to count backwards from 100, he's got difficulties with remembering tasks he did just a few minutes ago. And it's destroying him. Before he always hid what he felt, now everyone that sees him can read him like an open book. He's not remembering most people... but his instinct of hunting is still there so that it ended with him attacking and hurting Sam with a knife. I don't know who was more shocked, Dean or Sam. Sam left the bunker on that and got himself an apartment close to us so that he can keep himself up-to-date even if he doesn't want to be. He doesn't want to see this happening to his brother. I know this is just as hard for Sam as it is for me but I'm too busy taking care of Dean and myself than to be able to make sure Sam and Dean see each other. As soon as Dean called up Sam's face again he locket himself away, told me he wouldn't risk hurting me too. That he couldn't forgive himself that. I hit the door with my fists, I screamed at him to open the door. I never was so afraid as I was there. I thought he could, even if it's just by accident, hurt himself. And I would never forgive myself for that. I was so in panic that I even forgot that I could just zap in there for what I only hated myself more later.

'' I'm a monster...'' I leaned my back against the door and sunk to the ground as I heard him repeating this over and over again like a mantra. I couldn't stop myself from crying there, no matter how hard I tried. He's starting to hate himself for who he is but he's still forbidding me to do anything. I still ask for it even if I know his answer will be 'no'. I still ask for it in the hope that he maybe could say 'yes', even if he just says it because he can't say anything else any longer. His vocabulary faints with every week, he's forgetting words and tries to put in anything else instead what makes it sometimes hard for me to understand him. It took me hours to get him out of that bathroom but as I did I refused to leave his side again. Doesn't matter what happens, I won't leave him. I don't want him to hurt himself, I don't want to lose him and I don't want to miss just one second I can spent with him while he's still alive.

Eventually the demons found out and Crowley appeared in the room as I was alone with Dean. He asked me what this whole barging about Dean going crazy is about. I didn't answer but he found out anyway. As he looked at Dean. As Dean looked at him and asked Crowley who he is and what he's doing in our home. Crowley first thought he's off his rocker but I explained things to him. I told him what is happening to Dean, I told him what is happening in near or far future. I told him everything and to my surprise he listened. He didn't interrupt once while I just broke down once more in front of this demon like he's a friend of the family. He looked over at Dean who I put to sleep before I explained things to Crowley and titled his head, asking me why I keep to the promise at all. I told him I promised and he chuckled. Like it's funny but there wasn't much amuse on his face. I know he grew a fond spot for the Winchesters over the years, that's why he's not using the chance. That's why he said he'll make sure no demons try to mess with us. He put a wall into Dean's brain that keeps the disease from growing for some time but that's only another method to slow the process. It's not a permanent solution but that's everything Crowley wanted, could, do for Dean. And I was grateful for that. Sam never found out about this. While Dean's not getting worse for some time, the already occurred damage is still there.

At night or just at some points of the day he starts complaining about major headaches so that I take him with me to bed and just make him rest with his head on my chest and my arms around him. Every time he's asleep I stroke over his hair which got a little bristly over the last years but I still love it, I still love him. And then he will wake up at some point and start to cry, he will be sobbing for several hours,

'' I'm not strong enough for this... I'm not strong enough...'' And I will hold him, speak silent nothings into his hair and calm him until he's back asleep in my arms. He always falls asleep at some point and then I will again pull him close to me so that I feel his head on my chest and I stroke over his back softly,

''I would give anything... not to have you like this...''

\- Fifth Year -

He's just sitting around lately, starring into the emptyness. Crowley's wall only remained for a few months, then it started getting worse again. But there's nothing more he could do. Dean's not remembering our address or the phone number anymore. He can't count from 10 backwards, he's not able to open a bottle on his own anymore. He's not remembering anyone any longer, except me. I'm still in his mind but I know he's forgetting about me. He's forgetting me and he's forgetting himself and there's nothing I can do against it. I asked him about his age, about who are his parents and what school he visited and he couldn't tell me. He didn't remember that he loved his mother more than anything, he couldn't tell me about how much he respected his father and how he promised to die for Sam and me. He couldn't tell me most of the things he remembered only a year ago still so well so that everything that's left now is his name, my name and if I'm lucky he remembers our relationship. I want to get him back to normal but I promised. It's the deal we made, I will not heal him no matter what happens. I hate myself for this, I hate myself for keeping to this promise. I could just heal him and then everything would become normal again but can I really be this egoistic? Everything Dean went through made him lastly become a mental wreck even if I try to help him. He still can remember his name and he's able to eat or visit the toilet on his own but for how long? How long will it take until he's only a lifeless puppet? Sam's visiting more recently lately because Dean's not getting aggressive anymore when he sees him. But the less aggressive he gets, the less he remembers Sam. That took on so long until Sam once visited and Dean just looked at him, his eyes unfocused and hollow, no emotions except from confuse in his beautiful orbs,

'' Who are you? '' While I looked at them shocked Sam burst out into tears and left, he didn't return the whole day. That's 2 weeks ago and I haven't heard from him anymore. I know he's hurt if not even broken that Dean's not remembering him any longer. He can't stand seeing his brother like this, he can't stand knowing that his once so proud brother's by now wetting himself because he forgot how to keep control over himself. And every time he loses control over his bladder I change his cloths and make sure he's comfortable without complaining but inside it's destroying me. Why him? He did so much good in his life and now something like this happens to him and I stupid idiot promised to not heal him! Right now I'm just happy he still remembers me more or less. I'm still lying next to him every night while he sleeps, I still hold him close to me but he's not responding anymore. He's not telling me to sleep well even if he knows I'm not sleeping, he's not holding me back, his arms always are limp next to his body. It's like I'm holding onto a puppet. And in the next morning he will trash for a little while because he can't remember me anymore. Usually he will remember but with every morning it takes him longer to do so and I'm fearing the day when he won't recognize me at all anymore. I don't think I will survive this day. I don't think I can survive the day the love of my life will look at me and not remember me anymore. This will be my death. But I will stay with him. I will not leave him alone no matter what's happening. So I sit by his side when he's staring out of the window or wherever I place him and just hold his hand or wrap my arm around him. He's resting his head silently on my shoulder but he's not saying anything for hours. He's not even responding. He's just vegetating silently and I the only reason why I'm not screaming is because I know that he's at least not suffering, because there's nothing in his brain left that allows him to suffer. I try to be strong if only for him but every night as soon as he's asleep I will get up, leave the room and his hearing just to scream out my heart, to scream and cry and destroy everything around me until I'm tired enough that I can rest next to him without having to fear that I will wake him with my sobbing and my shaking. I will scream and trash to ease the pain but it will not fade, nothing I do can ease the pain seeing Dean like this causes me. At night I will always lie next to him and over the day I will sit by him for as long as he's still alive and with me. Even if he will at some point simply start shaking softly and look around without focusing on anything, his voice barely over a whisper and tears in his eyes,

'' Wh-wha happenin'... wha's happenin'...? '' His voice will sound like he's swallowing his own tongue with every word and it'll get worse every day but I will not cry in front of him, I will just pull him closer and wrap both my arms around him until the weak, broken man I love has calmed and stares out of that window again. Like there's nothing else existing in the world except from what he sees outside this window. Crowley even comes up here and now, looking up how his 'bestie' is doing. He seems almost... worried. Maybe he is. Maybe he's just making sure it's not fake, a trick. One way or the other... It's nice to be able to talk to someone... even if it's Crowley...

\- Sixth Year -

He's not saying anything anymore because he can't. I had to get him into a hospital now because he's not able to do anything by himself and I don't know how to help him anymore. Sam will show up here and then but it's getting less with every week. Before he showed up every day, then it only was every second, then every third day and so on. I don't have to ask why he's not coming anymore that often. He can't stand seeing his brother like this, seeing his best friend like this. The proud, beautiful hunter Dean Winchester became a drooling, broken man that's chained to the hospital bed until his heart will give up. At the beginning I at least could take him to the park that's close to the hospital after I helped him getting dressed but by now he's just lying around, not doing anything anymore. A few times he'll try to talk, try to say something, anything. But he can't. His tongue isn't under his control anymore. And he'll start to cry at some point because, even if it's not to 100%, he'll realize that he can't do anything anymore. And it's making him sad, it's hurting him so much that he'll cry for hours. Not many tears will escape his eyes, not many sobs will come but I feel the pain, the fear. Sam will show up usually when it's over so that he never sees it but one day he comes in while that and he'll let the flowers in his hands slide out of his fingers. With tears in his own eyes he will stare at Dean several seconds before his eyes move to me barely and he'll turn and not come back for a few weeks. Eventually he'll call me and ask how Dean's doing. I'll tell him the truth and say nothing changed and that nothing will change. Especially not to the better. I'll tell him that the doctor talked to me and told me he's got maybe half a year left and that his brain will then just stop working. That his heart will stop beating and that there's nothing that can stop it. Sam blamed me for some time shortly after Dean got into the hospital, he said I could change that and he screamed at me for making this stupid promise. And I hated myself even more in that moment but I kept my voice calm and told him that I can't change it. I said that Dean will die and as these words left my mouth I could feel everything that was left in me breaking into pieces. And while everything inside me broke on it's own, Sam's knuckles bruised as he tried to break my nose. He apologized later but I think he's still blaming me. But I don't take it bad on him, because he's right. Just like now when he tells me that I still can save him, that Dean's still saveable. And I shake my head to myself and tell him that I'll keep my promise, I'll tell him I'm sorry and he'll sigh,

'' Listen Cas I... I can't do this anymore... I'm sorry but I... i-it's too much... I'm sorry...'' And he hangs up and that's the last time I saw him from then on. And I can't get myself to blame him because I would do the same in his position. But I can't leave Dean, I can't turn around and say this is hopeless, there's nothing I can do because I know there is something I can do. There's something I can do to help him but I am not allowed to and just because of my egoistic wish to have the man back I love so dearly that it hurts gives me no right to act without his acceptance. Everything it needs is my fingers on his face, just one small touch and a little focus and I can get everything alright again. He could live a normal life without the hunting, without the daily fear of me or Sam getting hurt. It would be so easy and all I can do is always think of how I could change his fate. I never talked with God again since then and I think he's hating me now but I don't care. If it was even him I was talking to that means, it could have been someone else too. But I didn't care who I talk to as long as they help. But they didn't. While I promised not to do anything he just said he wouldn't because it's not how it's supposed to happen. Because this is not Dean's fate. But I don't care about what's supposed for Dean to happen, I just want him back. But I can never have him back because he'll always be like this until he dies. And if I change this then he'll hate me for this. I could delete his memory about forbidding me but I couldn't live with the thought of breaking my promise and using my powers to delete what I so desperately want back. I may not like it but I will have to watch Dean slowly passing away. I'll have to always remember Dean as the strong, powerful, proud man he was. Not as the drooling broken man that's unable to talk. But even like this, even when he's like this, I still love him. I love him for the rest of eternity. And just because he's now different doesn't change the fact that I still love him. I remember as I met him, as I first looked into his green eyes and saw these raw emotions, this power and the pure anger. I never saw such power in a human's eye, ever. I pretended to be unaffected but I already knew back then that he'll change my life. I knew he'll change everything I stand for, that he'll be the cause of a lot of trouble but also for lots of wonderful happenings. He had this electricity in his eyes that drew me to him so that I later couldn't leave his side anymore. I would have died back there for him and I would still die for him. Without any second thought I would take whatever could hurt Dean. I rebelled, I killed, I saved and I broke every rule. Just for him. And now when I see him like this I can't help but ask myself if it really was worth all the trouble. If risking so much, if all the pain and even my own death was worth all of this only to have it end now like this. But it doesn't take long for me to hit the next best wall for even daring to think that. There's so much more than just pain and trouble and fear. There's so much I'm happy to remember. I'm so thankful that I was allowed to spent all these years at Dean's side, that I was allowed all this. That he wanted me, that he actually loved me and everything I am. And as long as I can remember this I will never stop loving Dean. I'll sit by his side for the all eternity, I'll never leave the man I love more than life itself...

\- Seventh Year -

There passed only a few weeks before the machine that's monitoring Dean's heartbeat stopped in its calm beeping and changed into a long, ear-numbing noise. I watched the doctors taking off the machines, Sam was at my side and had his arm around my shoulder but I think it was more to comfort himself than to comfort me. He was crying so hard that my whole shoulder was wet but I didn't pay attention to him. I was too busy keeping my outside calm while they carried away my dead love. I didn't see him passing the world of the living and the dead, I didn't see him going into heaven or hell. Why, I don't know. I just know that I never saw him. That everything I heard at that moment was the pressing noise the machine made as it told me about Dean's passing. And I saw the rhythm of his heart changing from crosses to a steady line in front of my eyes like a flashback. Everything inside me was numb. I don't even remember how I got home from the hospital, I couldn't say if it was day or night. All I knew was that Dean's dead and that I didn't see him. I heard Sam telling me about the funeral being in 3 days and that he'll pick me up.

'' Sorry but... I don't think I can sleep here just now...'' I nodded my head, it's not like I really cared about Sam being there or not. All I wanted at the moment was Dean next to me. I wanted to wake up in my bed next to Dean even if I don't sleep and have Dean in my arms. Or be in his arms. I don't care. I just want him to be there, that's all that counts. But this isn't a bad dream, this is not some hallucination. Dean is dead, he's dead and he's not going to come back this time. Suddenly everything around me faded and all I remember from that night is screaming and trashed things and pain. So much pain. There was agony and fear. The next time I was back to senses was as Sam woke me to tell me the funeral's in 2 hours and that we have to go. I allowed Sam to help me getting into my old coat. I don't want to wear anything else. I want to wear what I wore as we met, what I wore as we first kissed, as I moved in with him. I want to wear the things he remembers me in. We got to the funeral, it was neat. Small, only close people were there which aren't many but that was fine with me. Many tears were shed, many 'I'm sorry' were said but I kept myself together. I stayed at his grave even if everyone left. Crowley showed up shortly, told me he will miss the 'squirrel' and that he's sorry for me. I just wanted to know one thing at this moment, one single thing. I wanted to know if he was in hell. I almost felt something like release as Crowley said 'no' but the numbness in my body kept me from smiling. I thanked him for his presence in the past few years, that he helped. And he put a hand on my shoulder, silently, like a friend. And over the years he grew to be something like a friend. And then he was gone and I was alone again. I will always stay at this place, I will not leave no matter what happens. Because this is what I promised him as he still was aware of who I am. I promised I would always stay at his side and I'll keep this promise. I'll stay at his side for eternity and if it means I have to stay at his grave for decades...

'' Cas...'' I close my eyes as I feel tears welling up in them. This voice, the deep, firm voice that I grew to love. The voice of power and pure emotion. The voice of memory so close behind me, so close I could just turn and grab out to it. Do they really allow me to see him once more? Thousands of questions run through my mind and yet I can't grasp any of them...

'' Hello Dean...'' I almost wince at the sound of my own voice. So small, so broken. Raw from the screaming and the crying. The tears escape my eyes as a pair of arms wrap around my body and turn me around so that his lips can meet with mine. Soft lips, not raw from chewing on them, not dry through the permanent breathing through them. I open my eyes just the tiniest bit to see these wonderful green eyes that I fell in love with countless times.

Alzheimer's disease was the worst thing that ever happened but not even in death I will allow anything to keep Dean away from me. I will never again let someone or something take him from me. With the first smile in years, I deepen the kiss and wrap my arms tightly around his healthy body...

'' I'll not leave you again Cas...''

'' I love you Dean...''


End file.
